Beginning Patterns
How you observed your parents as models of ways you'd be as an adult

In the beginning, as children, we saw in our parents the models of what we would one day be as parents, partners, males and females, providers, etc. In play, we pretended and imitated their moods, actions, posture, walk, words, and more. In this session we look at six roles our parents played which we then rehearsed and now play in our families, at work, with friends, etc.

Our parents provided several major roles for us to take on in later life with others:

As Parents, they were what a Mother and Father are like in raising children. We learned about rewards and punishment, being treated fairly or unfairly, about love, compassion, concern, worry, and much more. As children, we told ourselves, "This is what I’ll be like (or not be like!) with my own children."

As Partners they were what a Husband and Wife are like with each other. We learned about romance, sharing, cooperation, or about distance, silence, even violence. Again, we made decisions then about what kind of husband or wife we’d be, whom we’d marry (and whether we’d marry), and more.

As Male and Female, our parents showed us what it’s like to be a man or woman. We figured out that this was connected to sex, and that there were some things each sex was expected to do or not do, be or not be. Males do some things and not others; females likewise. Occasionally we may have wondered why, especially if we wanted to do things only the other sex "should" do. Again, we decided things about ourselves as future men or women based on the examples of our parents as male and female.

As Providers our parents provided (or failed to provide) resources we needed to survive and thrive. Food, shelter, money, support, encouragement, help, and much more we saw them doing. And again, we began to describe our future selves in terms of how and what we’d provide when we had a family.

As Grown-ups our parents showed what we’d be like as adults. They could control things we now could not; they were free to come and go, and we were not. We hoped one day to be like that, and never mind now that we know adulthood wasn’t a bed a roses. So we decided, "When I grow up, I’ll be like that!"

And they were examples of what it meant to be Human Beings, members of the community of other human beings: going to work, visiting, perhaps being a community leader, worrying about world events, and all the rest. And again, we wanted to be like that when we grew up.

Eventually we met our friends’ parents and learned that not all parents were like our own. So we had more information to help us adjust what we would be like. Even so, the biggest influence on us, for good or ill, were the examples of our own parents in our childhood home.

Some ways to think about your "Beginning" patterns:

Divide a piece of paper into two columns, 12 sections in each, labeled for the twelve "roles" (six for each parent). In the left column, describe each parent in each role. In the right column, next to the sections, write what you are like in each of the roles. Then compare them.

Think of some role a parent played in which you were disappointed for some reason. How did you feel? What did you do? How has this affected your own performance of this role in your life today?

In what ways have you rejected or modified one or more roles played by your parents, in your own life? How well has that worked for you?

What about how your parents acted when you were a child do you regret not being able to repeat with your children or partner today?