Being Patterns
How you describe your Ideal self, Ideal others, and Ideal world to yourself

As children, based on various experiences, we developed Ideal mental images of the way we’d like things to be if they were perfect. We may have gotten such images from favorite books, movies, TV or radio programs, friends, siblings, parents. We may have had specific experiences that contributed to these mages. The point is that they are "perfect" and we maintain them throughout our lives as templates against which to measure our actual, real-world experiences. You might think of these images as portraits hung on the wall of your mind. Looking at them in your mental (art gallery" you say to yourself, "This is the way it would be if things were perfect."

Here are several examples of the kinds of mental images we have:

The Perfect Self — Adler called this our "Ego Ideal," or "the best me I could possibly be" in a world in which such things are possible. I measure my actual behavior and day-to-day experiences against this ideal. By it, I can tell what progress I am making, where I am falling short, etc., and feel successful/unsuccessful, encouraged/discouraged, disappointed, angry, satisfied, etc. (Keep in mind that "feelings" are the result of assessments made on the basis of what we tell ourselves is true about event, and not about events themselves. And to change feelings, we need to change "the truth" we tell ourselves. See "Behaving" Patterns for a refresher on this approach.)

The Perfect Partner — This is my mental picture a "perfect" wife or husband. Such an image might include what I don’t want in my partner (perhaps based on negative experiences as a child with a partner-like person, such as a playmate of the opposite sex, or my own parents. I use this mental image as a way to compare real-life partners, both potential (as when I’m dating) and actual (as when I’m married). During pre-married/commitment periods I may move from person to person, each being a "place-holder" until someone better (i.e., closer to my mental ideal image) comes along. Obviously, comparing my present partner to my ideal partner can have ramifications in my marriage or love relationship. To voice such comparisons (saying, in effect if not in words, "You’ve not as perfect as my Ideal Partner") could be disastrous, and the last step before (a) divorce court or (b) marriage counseling.

The Perfect Child — Here we can think of my mental image of myself as my parents’ child (the perfect me, vs. the real me as their child) or my mental image of my own child(ren) in their most perfect way. Again, we use such images to compare with real life. When we do this with our children, the real-life person usually comes off second-best because, after all, real-life isn't perfect, and Ideals are..

The Ideal Job — As children we’re often asked what we want to be when we grow up. Early on we form an image of ourselves "working" and may practice it during play time with friends or siblings. The best job will be one that furthers our personal interests and moves us closer toward our life goal (that is, the solution to the main unsolvable problem we had as a child). Unhappiness at real-life work can often be traced to the perfect job we have " in mind," or to secondary gains from work: praise, reward, good salary, prizes, etc.

Other such Images include ideal friend, ideal spare-time activity/hobby, etc. We can even include ideal book, movie, and anything else abut which we have expectations.

Some ways to think about your "Being" patterns:

1. Think of "being" as a fixed condition rather than as something easily changed, a part of you (an attitude or approach to something) that has been the same for you for many years. As you do, think of one of your "ideal images" as suggested above. How do you like the idea that this ideal is a permanent part of you? What would you like to do about that? Can you think of ways to change or edit this ideal, or lessen its influence in your life today?

2. Pick one of the ideals suggested above and write down a list of expectations you have about it. For example, "Partner," what are five or ten things you not only expect of this person but would be very disappointed if you didn't get what you want or expect. What effects will this have on your relationship with "partner"? What do you do (or would you do) to try to bring "partner" into line with your expectations? How willing are you to jeopardize your relationship by doing things to get"partner" to change in terms of your expectations?