Belonging Patterns
Six ways you try to feel significant and attached to others based on ways you used as a child

Adlerians identify four goals of childhood social behavior aimed at getting close to others and feeling important to them. Rudolph Dreikurs said parents can use them to understand a child's mis-behavior, by watching for a child who seeks Attention, Control, Revenge and who, discouraged at attaining the others, Displays Inadequacy.

In LEAP, we expand on them and re-focus the emphasis: not at mis-behavior, but as important ways we seek feel attached, first in our family, then in other relationships. It is when we don’t get enough of what we want (attention, for example) that we may mis-behave by exaggerating our efforts so they become unwelcome by others.

By Affection we learn to receive and, later, give love, warmth, caring, etc., to others. It is a significant way to belong within the various levels of the human community.

By Attention we seek to be noticed as individuals; no one wants to be seen as invisible!

By Approval we seek to be valued for our contributions to those who matter to us, and to feel as if our efforts matter to them. We like to believe we are valuable for what we do as well as who we are.

By Control we seek to have an effect on events around us, to "get our way" and accomplish our goals. This, too is important in our relationships.

By Fairness we seek a balance in life, and to know there is some justice in our world.

And by Help we seek assistance on things that are too hard for us and give help to others.

When we don’t get what we want or as much as we think we deserve, we may exaggerate our efforts to Belong (something Adler called "compensation" and, when neurotic,"over-compensation"). Failure to Belong leads to discouragement, down-heartedness, isolation, and hopelessness. Success leads to encouragement, a sense of belonging, and hope for the future. From this comes what Adler called courage in striving, the notion that one can persevere and overcome in the face of challenges or obstacles. Adler called exaggerated efforts over-compensation and an increased use of Private Logic to excuse or justify our socially-useless behavior. This may lead us to believe that "It’s me against them" and therefore "Whatever I do is OK, so long as I get what I want." When this leads us to not care about how our behavior affects others (a lack of conscience) we speak of "sociopathic personality" or "attachment disorder."

Some ways to think about your "Belonging" patterns:

Can you think of a favorite way you have to get along with others? (Anger? humor? domineering?) How does that way reflect ways you used in your childhood family? Can you remember exactly when you decided on your "dominant way" to deal with others?

Think of one thing you do to achieve each of the six ways to Belong.

Think of a time you felt discouraged in Belonging as you wished, and what you did as a result.

Think of how you behave when things are hard. Do you do: back off? Try harder? Try something else?

Which of the six Ways to Belong is most important to you? Why? Can you remember a time in childhood when this same way was important?
Make the connection between then and now.

What would your life be like if you could be successful at Belonging in all six areas? How do you stop yourself from making that happen?